Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2007-08-28, 4:31PM EDT
I am offering a very nice, upper middle class couch for sale. The wife and I bought it from Ethan Allen two years ago for thousands. But you know how it is. It doesn't go with the new drapes my wife bought when she was pissed at me for having that obvious affair with my secretary. So we're redecorating. Again.
I'll put it to you this way, this thing has clearly been used. I mean, it's had 3 kids and the dog all over it. But it's a fricking Ethan Allen sofa, people! I paid two grand for it, not two years ago. And it's not like you could afford to buy one of these babies new, now can you?
It's a hell of a couch, if not for the fact that it's from Falmouth, but also because it's particularly resilient. It's had my naked, sweaty, hairy ass on it more times than I can count but you wouldn't know it. That's because I paid extra to have it Scotch-guarded. I'm telling you. It's repelled the stains of semen, vomit, sweat, shrimp scampi, wine, baby spit up, and urine. And that's just what I can recall off the top of my head as I sit at my gorgeous mahogany desk in my Portland office between clients.
There is one place where my extremely high-end exotic cat has badly scratched the couch, but that won't be noticeable to you, Mr. Munjoy Hill.
So please contact me and let me know when you can bring your rusted out Subaru to my semicircle driveway to pick it up. My wife will be happy to pretend she's heartbroken to see her couch go as she looks down her beautifully reshaped nose at you. And I'll be glad to stare hungrily at your 22-year-old girlfriend's fine, fine art school ass as the two of you haul it out through the double doors of our mcfoyer.